


justifiably petty

by delizeita



Series: chaotic stupid [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Decisions, Bad Lying, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dolores Umbridge Bashing, Dolores Umbridge Being an Asshole, Dolores Umbridge is Her Own Warning, Dumbledore's Army, Gen, Harry Potter is a Little Shit, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Murder Planning, Poor Life Choices, The Ministry of Magic (Harry Potter) is Terrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:40:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27060604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delizeita/pseuds/delizeita
Summary: The real question is, how to get rid of Umbridge?Or: Dumbledore's Army help along the jinx on the position of DADA professor a little.
Relationships: Dumbledore's Army & Harry Potter, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley
Series: chaotic stupid [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1964668
Comments: 10
Kudos: 452





	justifiably petty

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Accidental](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1256020) by [Feneris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feneris/pseuds/Feneris). 



Hermione stands at the head of the table with a scowl on her face. Fidgeting in front of her is the rest of the DA, all seated at a large rectangular table the Room of Requirement had summoned for them. Harry is seated to her right and, having been notified as to the topic of the meeting, would be lying if he said he wasn't a little excited for it to start.

Glancing at Hermione, they make eye contact and she nods at him.

She clears her throat, signifying the start of the meeting, and begins in a loud voice once everyone in the room has calmed down. "I believe it is rather obvious to every person here that Umbridge is not a suitable teacher. If she was, none of us would be seated here right now." she says. "This meeting is to discuss possible ways to remove her from Hogwarts altogether, and to hopefully have her replaced with a more competent teacher."

Harry wholeheartedly agrees with her. That overly smug egotistical toad had turned DADA classes into the educational equivalent of a dumpster fire. Hermione is still seething at the lack of quality education they were getting in OWL year, and with the addition of the Educational Decrees, the rest of the school is now out for blood.

Umbridge's blood, more specifically.

Chaos breaks out immediately, as people jump to offer suggestions on how to get rid of her for once and for all. Harry stays silent, preferring to hear the others out first. Although he would love to see her gone, he doesn't really know how to, especially with his unique 'position' in the eyes of the Ministry

"QUIET!" Hermione yells, fixing the room with a glare worthy of Snape and effectively shutting them up. "One at a time please. Don't worry, I will be writing everyone's thoughts down. Hands up, those who have ideas."

Straight away, twelve or so hands rise and Hermione points at one randomly. "You. Start."

Harry watches as Colin Creevey swallows nervously, suddenly very aware of all the attention on him. "Well, I can use my camera to get some sort of incriminating photos." Then he grins, lifting the camera around his neck.

"I think Rita Skeeter will be interested in how the Ministry's qualifications for education have fallen so far. Especially if I can slip her a few good photos too."

A general murmur of assent fills the room. It actually sounds like a pretty good idea.

Dean Thomas interrupts him, waving a hand, "Yeah, but how can we get her to actually post an article about it? Doesn't she only go for the most dramatic articles or the ones that pay the most?"

Hermione nods. "That's true, but don't worry about it," she says, sending a mischievous grin in Harry's direction, "We have our ways."

Harry leans forward. "We have some interesting information about Skeeter that makes her very easy to persuade."

Fred gives him a look. "Really? Blackmail, Harry?"

"Never thought you had it in you," George mockingly sighs, shaking his head.

"It seems the Golden Boy has been corrupted."

"What a tragedy this is, Fred!"

"Right you are, George!"

"What are you two going to do?" Harry interrupts them, curious. He knows they have something big planned, because they're the Weasley twins after all, and it would be strange if they didn't.

"Well," Fred begins.

"That's a surprise!" George winks in a grandiose manner.

"Of course we're going to give her the Weasley treatment,"

"And besides, Peeves really hates Umbridge, so we can probably get him on board somehow."

"But we can guarantee Umbridge will regret stepping onto Hogwarts grounds once we're done with her."

Katie Bell was next. She enthusiastically slams down her palms on the table, and announces, "I am all for braining that toad with rogue bludgers."

Cho Chang bares her teeth in a sharp grin. "That'll serve her right for banning Harry and the twins from Quidditch. It's not as satisfying to annihilate you Gryffindors when you don't have half of your team on the roster."

Angelina Johnson gives her an equally sharp smile back. "Want to form a temporary alliance to remove a common enemy? We can easily destroy you Ravenclaws afterwards on the field."

Cho leans forward and smirks, "You're on, Johnson."

"Can someone convince Trelawney to make a prophecy about Umbridge dying if she stays here?" Parvati asks. "Not to drive her away, but to like scare her or something."

Lavender Brown sniffs. "You can do it if you want, but I don't want to have another lecture about how 'the Inner Eye cannot see on command'."

"Are you kidding?" Seamus snorts, "It's Umbridge you're talking about. She'll probably jump at the chance."

"Even so," Ginny pipes up from the other end of the table, "Umbridge doesn't believe in seers and that sort of thing anyway, so it wouldn't work."

"Well then," Lavender crosses her arms and scoffs, "if you're so sure it's not going to work, let's hear all your oh-so-excellent ideas."

Ginny calmly smiles. "I believe it would be best to simply remove her in the most ironic way possible."

"Yes, obviously, but how?" Lavender demands across from her.

"Death by muggle pot plant. Or washing machine. Something obscene and mildly humiliating."

Ron gives his sister an enthusiastic thumbs up from down the table and Neville snorts.

"Ron, don't encourage murder!" Hermione sighs from the head of the table, running her fingers through her tangled hair. Harry could tell the stress of everything Umbridge-related was getting to her.

"But Hermione," Ron whines, "she totally deserves it!"

"We’ll do what we must." Susan interrupts, lying back and slowly closing her eyes, "Which is absolutely nothing. Why act when she's doing a perfectly good job at discrediting herself? Since Umbridge likes being in control so much, just let her take the reins and make the Ministry watch as their plans collapse with her in the forefront."

Everyone stares at Susan.

"That's actually a really good idea." Hermione drums her fingers on the table, deep in thought.

Susan nods. "My aunt's told me that no one at the Ministry likes her much, but they keep her on because of how blindly loyal she is. If she messes up too badly, it'll only be a matter of time before she's removed."

"They'll blame it on the curse on the DADA position. We can just help it along a little." Harry grins and laces his fingers together, looking at the group in front of him. "So, who's in?"

The plan is simple.

It was widely hoped that if the grades of everybody in DADA got significantly worse with the change in curriculum, the Ministry would replace her with a competent teacher.

The plan spreads through Gryffindor rapidly, and the students in the other houses join in without fuss. The Hufflepuffs were the easiest to convince (they swore that Umbridge would rue the day she had used her blood quill on one of their numbers) and unconditionally agreed to work with Gryffindor towards a common goal.

The majority of Ravenclaw joined as well, stressing over the lack of practical applications in DADA and the terrible quality of teaching. A group of Slytherins quietly joined in as well, and were welcomed in with just as much fervour.

While they purposely fail classes, they still form secret study clubs within the safety of the common rooms and have 'friendly meet-ups' in the library.

As expected, Umbridge is floored by the dropping grades, and begins enforcing detentions on those who do too badly. Although this scares off a few people, the majority soldier on.

A month after the implementation of the ‘Screw Over Umbridge' plan, the Ministry finally decides to inquire as to why there is such a drop in average grades, and why the parents are constantly complaining to them about the 'sudden drop in the quality of Ministry personnel".

Ron had snorted at the rumours of angry parents. "Honestly mate, she needs to sort out her priorities. Why would she care about angry parents when it's obvious their kids are going to kill her first?" he had commented, rolling his eyes.

Unexpectedly, Umbridge manages to laugh off the dropping grades and complaints to both parents, the Ministry and fellow professors alike, saying, "The children are just merely unused to the change in curriculum, don't worry, their grades will rise with time. . . It also might be related to certain disturbances in particular classes of mine. . . Not that I am calling a student of mine a disturbance, of course. . . Corrective methods are being taken, so there is no need to worry."

The Ministry had nodded in understanding, and then gone back to usual business. The parents were calmed with basic Ministry propaganda and excuses.

Harry had then realised that the plan was doomed to fail all along, because although none of the higher-ups liked her, Umbridge was a damn useful chess piece to have.

If the Ministry had overlooked this, then it was certain she was going nowhere.

Harry soaks his hand in Murtlap essence once again. He'd just come out of detention with Umbridge once again, and his hand aches something fierce. The words on the back are getting deeper with each session, and they're still slowly bleeding, despite how he finished his lines and left almost fifteen minutes ago. He knows they're going to scar.

As the year goes on, the need to get rid of Umbridge increases exponentially. The excessively unnecessary bans, the overt oppression, the tyrannical control she has over the school has become worse.

It doesn't take a brainwave to realise that Umbridge has to go.

And as Harry clenches his fist, blood dripping from the words _I must not lie_ freshly engraved in his skin, Harry thinks that maybe they are approaching this the wrong way.

Maybe firing isn't the problem.

Umbridge is at the top of the third floor staircases when Hermione finally does it.

"Professor Umbridge!" she calls. "I have a question about the course material. Could you please spare a minute? I'm terribly sorry about wasting your time."

Umbridge turns to face her, impatiently fixing Hermione with a wide fake smile that strongly resembles a toad's.

"Miss Granger." she simpers, "I'm terribly sorry, but I am in a hurry for important Ministry business. Please save your little questions for class time."

"That's okay." Hermione says brightly.

Not expecting her to let it go so easily, Umbridge huffs in quiet disdain, turning back around and beginning to walk down the stairs. She certainly wasn't expecting Hermione to deliver a strong kick to her back, sending her flying down in full view of a thirty or so witnesses, including a shocked Professor McGonagall.

Umbridge tumbles head over heels down nearly three flights of stairs like a flabby, pastel pink bowling ball, landing in a heap on the stone floors at the bottom.

"Oops." Hermione deadpans, making unflinching eye contact with McGonagall.

"Look, she's still breathing!" Neville points out after making his way to her crumpled form at the bottom of the stairs.

"What a shame," Harry sighs sadly from next to Ron, having already run down to check on the unmoving pink blob.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a thick potions textbook falls out of nowhere and nails Umbridge on the head with a heavy _thwump_.

"So sorry!" yells Ginny from the fourth floor. "Did it hit anyone important?"

"No, it didn't!" Ron shouts back. "Squished a toad though."

"How unfortunate," she calls, before smoothly walking away as if nothing had happened.

Harry snorts inelegantly, feeling for a pulse. When he found none, he sighed dramatically. "If that textbook hadn't accidentally hit her temple, Umbridge might still be alive right now."

"What a shame." Hermione deadpans, having come down the stairs.

"Indeed." McGonagall agrees. The students present stare at her, bug-eyed in disbelief.

A sudden silence falls as Snape walks up beside McGonagall, viewing the corpse with a disdainful eye, having appeared from somewhere unseen during the chaos. The students held their breath in worry that they'd get caught out.

"What a tragic accident," he drawls, raising an eyebrow at his co-worker.

Breaking eye contact with Snape, McGonagall huffs, "It's a shame that no one saw how it happened." She motions the students off with a flick of her hands, shooing them away. "Feel free to come to my office if any of you are saddened by her tragic passing. I will have a range of confectionaries and butterbeer available. Off to class now, everyone."

"How sad." Snape says. "I will arrange to have someone 'find' the body."

"And I will help."

"I can't believe it worked!" Hermione hisses as she stirs her neon green Befuddlement Draught once clockwise, turning it a pretty moss green.

"I can't believe McGonagall and _Snape_ of all people covered it up!" Harry whispers back, tossing a sprig of sneezewort into his cauldron and watching as the solution went from an off-teal colour to neon green. He's pretty sure the smoke isn't supposed to be yellow.

Bottling up their finished potions, they bring the vials to the front of the class for marking.

Snape looks up from a freshly marked essay with a bright red 'T' in the upper right corner, and looks as if he is about to swallow something unpleasant.

"Granger, ten points to Gryffindor for having your shoelaces tied up correctly."

The room descends into chaos.

"WHAT?" Dean yells from over a very blue potion.

" _Professor!_ " Harry relishes in the sight of Draco Malfoy choking on his own spit at the announcement. Zabini and Nott are frozen in shock beside their cauldrons, faces completely and utterly confused.

As for Crabbe and Goyle, Harry isn't sure they have enough brain power available to figure out what just happened and breathe at the same time.

In his shock, Neville knocks something into his cauldron that rapidly turns his potion crimson and bubbling. Snape vanishes the contents immediately.

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Longbottom, for almost killing everyone in the room once again." Snape then proceeds to fit every person present with a poisonous glare, as if he was daring them to talk of that moment ever again.

Trelawney and Hagrid are invited back within hours of the incident occurring. Parties are thrown in all four dorms that night, and the teachers turn a blind eye to the celebrations going on. Ginny and Hermione are widely regarded as heroes and Snape's popularity rises to an all time high. McGonagall is raised to the status of a saint and there is now an altar dedicated to her in the Ravenclaw common room.

There was another equally unpleasant Ministry High Inquisitor assigned within a week. 

They didn't even last half as long as Umbridge did.

Now, the transfiguration classroom has a new pet guinea pig and no one knows where Professor McClivert went. The fourth year Hufflepuffs are now significantly better at human transfiguration, but none of them are saying anything.

Professor Hayes was brained by a rogue bludger while out on a stroll to go criticise the quality of Hogwarts' grounds. Unfortunately, the bludger involved disappeared before the Aurors could arrive at the scene. The Ravenclaw Quidditch team, who were practicing at the time, denied any and all accusations. Cho Chang and the three Gryffindor chasers were seen to be regularly playing Quidditch together afterwards.

Professor Fletcher got lost in the Room of Requirement and was never found, and Professor Whitby just happened to 'trip' off the Astronomy Tower into Professor Sprout's freshly planted poisonous plant garden.

Dumbledore is completely clueless as to why the curse on the DADA position had suddenly become so much worse, and hires Curse-Breakers from Gringotts to fix it. Harry thinks that he suspects Voldemort's revival as the reason for the sudden strengthening of the curse.

But in the end, he's not really sure whether they did anything, because the latest DADA professor, Professor Bristelwick, mysteriously disappeared two days ago.

Harry has _absolutely_ no idea how that happened. None at all.

She had been an equally unpleasant person as the previous five. Her smile reminded Harry of a hyena before a dying animal, while her laugh was a cross between Professor Umbridge's simpering laugh and the sounds a drowning naked mole rat makes. She disliked unruly students, but liked using the cane to both punish and assert dominance over those who crossed her.

She hadn't even lasted two weeks before her untimely disappearance.

She apparently was never seen again after dismissing herself to go to the bathroom during a highly-regulated probationary Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw quidditch game.

Despite the fact that she had been walking through one of the most densely populated areas of the castle while surrounded by potential witnesses, nobody knows what happened to her because the students were too intrigued by Ravenclaw getting absolutely wiped out by Hufflepuff.

Surprisingly, no teachers have said anything either, even though they know exactly what's going on. Sometimes, depending on how bad the DADA professor is, they even provide distractions or alibis.

Harry thinks that only Dumbledore and Filch have no idea what is going on. Dumbledore seems more stressed with every week that passes, as the Ministry is putting more pressure than usual on him to provide favourable results for his investigation into the various deaths and disappearances of the last six Ministry-Approved Defence professors.

Susan gleefully tells the DA that Fudge is nearly in hysterics at the loss of personnel.

The castle is more unified than ever before, and inter-house friendships flourish. After all, planning murders together do foster companionship and trust, bringing people closer together.

The majority of Magical Britain's population thinks that the curse on the DADA position was cast by Voldemort. Using this conjecture as a foundation, it takes near no time at all to spread the rumour that the curse affects Ministry employees worse because Voldemort hated the Ministry.

In the meantime, Hogwarts itself was perfectly fine, running as it always did, with the occasional unexplained disappearance of Ministry-approved DADA professors.

They'd stop sending new ones sooner or later.

**Author's Note:**

> In case you haven't noticed yet, I hate Umbridge. 
> 
> Inspired by Feneris' amazing work 'Accidental'. Go give it a read if you want! This fic is dedicated to them.
> 
> Leave a kudos if you enjoyed :D


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